Talking Back

Scenes like the one above have been featured in many films and TV shows. A version of something that most of us must have experienced multiple times during our school days ourselves. But this one, from Normal People, was uncanny in how close it was to an experience of mine.

Every time I’ve been caught in the act -- of being zoned out/falling asleep etc. -- I’d be slapped, caned or at the very least have a piece of chalk thrown at me by the teacher. The kindest of them yelled, insulted, and made me stand outside the class.

I’d fantasize about talking back to them, cornering them into a muted stupor, or worse an incoherent repartee that did not land.

The day actually came about when I was 20 years old. I was in my final year of college and my levels of insolence with the faculty that semester had gained some notoriety. The class was of one Ms. S, dreaded by students for being a bitter, humorless hag with a habit of escalating everything to the department head. I was distracted as usual and the lecturer suddenly called me out, “Suresh! You think you’ll be able to understand this by looking out the window?”

I turned to her, as if with the reflex of a thousand rehearsals, and said, “I don’t think I’ll follow what you’re teaching even if I paid attention.”

There was a stunned silence in the entire class for about 3 seconds. My classmates who are generally rowdy during these types of exchanges went completely quiet. For I didn’t squirm in embarrassment or deflect with a sheepish grin, and the fact that I spoke ‘proper’ English did its part too, I imagine. The few words that I could hear were ones of disapproval -- hushed ‘dei!’s -- directed at me.

The lecturer regained her composure and said, “come and see me after the class.”
Once again, without a pause, I replied, “I’ll think about it.” She said nothing, just wore a puzzled stare.

I had done it. It had taken about 17 years from the first conscious memory of a similar situation but I finally shut the authority figure in the room. A few murmurs started to emerge and the disapproval was unmistakably audible but she averted her gaze and continued on with the lecture.

I started preparing for a bigger showdown but that was the end of it. I didn’t see her after the class and no one brought it up again. I was nowhere near the smartest in the classroom, unlike Marianne in the show, but maybe Ms. S was convinced that it's futile to pursue any disciplinary action.

It was a telling moment in my life. That everyone hated her was no secret but even so they felt that I went too far. I realized that youthful petulance and churlish behaviour in front of authority figures should not be taken for anti-establishment sentiment. It’s merely an inchoate germ that has the potential to become something more ideological when cultivated carefully but has little value unto itself.

 An exchange later in the show underscores this point: the idea that some forms of authoritarianism is par for the course, especially when it carries the semblance of being universal. A de facto surrender is what is then expected even (or especially) by your peers. And at the hands of a 'decent guy' it's almost desirable.

The psychological relief and the momentary sense of control one enjoys by standing up, by saying 'fuck you!', even if faced with dire consequences, is enviable, after all. It is a privilege and unfortunately it is accessible only to a few.